The Big Ohhh Read online

  Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Epilogue

  Charlie’s Playlist for Willow

  Acknowledgments

  For Jane Unwin a woman of courage and strength

  Eye contact is one of the classic signs of attraction, so if you catch someone gazing at you, let them know you’re interested and available – just don’t go overboard and wave manically at them as they may think the place is on fire.

  * * *

  Willow

  A large body jostled against me, slopping half of my drink over Polly, my best friend, and I wondered again what on earth we were doing in this shithole of a bar. It was full of nubile teenage girls wearing the bare minimum and dickhead teenage boys who wanted to disrobe foresaid nubile teenage girls at the earliest opportunity.

  “Why are we here?” I groaned into Polly’s ear.

  Polly glared at me. “Men, of course.”

  “Pol, they’re mere boys. Look at them.”

  I pointed my finger around the room, stopping abruptly when I spotted a familiar face.

  “Oh shit, my bloody brother is here.”

  Polly’s head turned to where my finger was pointing. “Which one?” she almost screeched.

  “Ruben,” I sighed with an eye roll. “Not Declan.”

  My best friend had a huge crush on one half of my older, twin brothers and turned into a jelly-legged, thick-tongued idiot whenever he was around. Unfortunately for Polly, Declan was not interested in her because, and I hated to say it, my brother was extremely shallow and as Polly wasn’t his ‘type’ i.e. five feet two, size eight with long blonde hair, she had no chance. Now if you asked my second youngest brother, Toby, what he thought about Polly, he’d probably man handle his crotch and make some sort of animal sex noise. However, at four years younger than us, Toby, in turn, had no chance with Polly, despite the fact that he was a part-time model and was, in his own words, ‘a fucking hot ginge’.

  “Ugh,” Polly groaned, turning back to me, decidedly disinterested in my youngest brother. “Life is so unfair.”

  I bit back a comment about kids trawling rubbish dumps to make enough money to eat or having to walk ten miles for water and gave her a sympathetic smile. Well, it probably wasn’t sympathetic, but more psychotic, because that’s how talking or thinking about any of my four brothers made me feel. Add to that Polly’s precious princess ‘woah is me’ attitude and I would quite gladly give her a slap along with the smile.

  “Anyway, you didn’t answer my question,” I said, deciding to continue on a subject about something other than one of my brothers. “What are we doing in here? It’s bloody awful.”

  Polly scanned the room. “Yeah, you’re right,” she sighed. “I heard it was getting an older crowd in here these days.”

  “It is. The age group used to be twelve.”

  “You are miserable at times.” Polly rolled her eyes. “Just try and enjoy it.”

  I knew there was no point in arguing with her, so I twitched my cheek in the guise of a smile and took a long swig of my drink.

  * * *

  Almost half an hour later and we were still propped against a bare brick wall, unable to move against the crush, as we drank ridiculously priced drinks. Polly hadn’t taken the hint and insisted we stay a little longer, so to entertain myself I decided to piss my little brother off and kept waving to him.

  “He’s quite clearly seen me.” I said, throwing my arm about as though shouting for a lifeguard. “Look at him pretending he hasn’t or doesn’t know me.”

  Polly started to laugh. “Look at his face, he’s bloody mortified.”

  There was a pure look of horror on his face, as though I’d streaked across the bar shouting ‘yippee-ki-yay mother fucker’.

  “He really hates you, doesn’t he?” Polly stated.

  I nodded and grinned. “Yep and I bloody love it.”

  “Wave again,” Polly said on a giggle. “He’s talking to a girl.”

  “You do it too.” I gave her a nudge with my elbow and giggled.

  We both started to wave frantically, laughing hysterically as we did. Finally, Ruben rudely flipped us the bird and turned his back on us. We both fell about, clutching hold of each other, the vodka making us think we were hilarious.

  “Oooh shit,” Polly cried, gripping hold of my forearm. “That blond guy thinks you’re waving at him.”

  My gaze followed Polly’s and I almost came on the spot. Waving back tentatively was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen.

  He was tall and slim with messy hair, had a chiselled jaw and filled out his fairly tight trousers to perfection. I couldn’t see the detail of his face, but the parts of him I could see were gorgeous. I was so enraptured that I continued waving like one of those lucky Chinese cats, but with my tongue hanging out. Which also meant I didn’t notice that he’d waved back and had started walking towards us. It was only when Polly grabbed my arm and yanked it down that I realised he was only a couple of feet away.

  “Hi,” he said, giving me a knicker wetting smile. “Do I know you?”

  I shook my head, silently taking him in and memorising everything about him for a spank bank session later.

  “It’s just that you were waving at me.”

  Oh shit, even his voice was sexy; smooth and rich, like melted chocolate. Now he was closer, I could see his face properly. Green eyes glinted at me when his full lips pulled into a smile that actually produced dimples.

  “I-I-.” I shook my head again. “Sorry, I don’t know you.”

  “Oh, okay.” He looked over his shoulder. “Was it someone else you were waving to?”

  “My brother. He hates me and I was trying to embarrass him.”

  He laughed and when he did, I was pretty sure he’d made me pregnant. I could actually feel my milk coming in; he was that bloody good.

  I glanced over at Polly; I wondered what her reaction to him was because I had a reputation for finding the weirdest of looking men attractive – apparently, I’m the only person who thinks there’s something sexy about the Beast before he turns back into the Prince. I was therefore relieved to see she was equally as gob smacked as I was. Although that didn’t say much, she fancied the boxer briefs off my brother and to me that was…ugh, gross.

  “So, did you manage it?” Sexy Guy asked. “To embarrass your brother.”

  “Oh, um, yeah I think so. He turned his back on me and flipped me the finger, so I reckon it was mission accomplished.”

  We both laughed, although mine was a little forced because I was trying to listen to his. You know, remembering it to go along with the images for later when I was alone in bed.

  “Well I’m glad about that, if you are,” he finally said, as his green eyes
darkened with intent.

  There were a few seconds of slightly uncomfortable silence when I was convinced that he thought I was weird and would disappear, but then he shocked me.

  “Listen, I’d love to buy you a drink. Is that okay?”

  On instinct I looked over my shoulder, but all I saw was the wall that I was leaning against. Polly nudged me with her shoulder and in a loud voice said, “I’m off to the bog, I need a pee.”

  With her words came a huge wink that twisted the whole of her upper body as she did it. I let out a long sigh and wished she could learn the art of less is more at such critical times.

  We watched her go and I was surprised that he turned back to me.

  “So, that drink. What would you like?”

  My stomach squeezed and I felt a level of excitement that I hadn’t felt since I was a kid at Christmas.

  “Vodka and diet coke, please.”

  “Great, now don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back. Oh, and I’m Charlie by the way.”

  “Hi, I’m Willow,” I replied breathily.

  “Well Willow, one vodka and diet coming right up.”

  As I watched his exquisite arse move through the crowds, I knew I would not move one inch.

  * * *

  I had to be honest, I felt a certain level of guilt that I hadn’t stopped talking to Charlie for almost half an hour. He made me laugh and I was interested in everything he had to say and he actually seemed to like me; at least he laughed in the right places when I said something that I thought was funny. I felt bad because Polly was most definitely the third wheel. Charlie had asked her questions and included her in the conversation, but as we moved closer and closer, our voices became quieter and quieter, and poor Polly became excluded. I could also sense that she had begun to get fidgety about being in the same place for too long. She wanted a man and there were no men around – well, apart from Charlie, and I would make sure she didn’t get her claws into him.

  “I’m sorry,” I told her when Charlie nipped back to his friend. “But I really like him, Pol.”

  “It’s fine.” My best friend said with a huge smile. “I don’t mind, in fact, I might even nip over to Zar Bar and meet up with Jasmine.”

  Jasmine was another old school friend who insisted that she only wore designer labels. She was a typical Abercrombitch, especially when she went out with her work colleagues, which meant that Polly and I, in our Primark and charity shop ensembles, didn’t really fit in.

  “No,” I groaned. “Don’t do that, she’ll be with that bitch, Lulu Young.”

  Polly shuddered. “Her name’s Louise, who the hell would name themselves after a bloody old aged pensioner from Scotland who once sang with Take That?”

  “Someone who only knows about music since 2017,” I mused, while I gazed over at Charlie. “What about his friend?”

  I nodded over to the guy Charlie was with, aware it was a shot in the dark. He didn’t look like my brother and by the looks of it was only the same height as Polly.

  “Nope, too short.”

  Her answer was immediate, which proved that I truly did know my best friend.

  She started to mess around in her bag with one hand, and her vodka clutched in the other. Finally, after much rustling and the appearance of two train tickets, one pack of chewing gum and a tampon, she produced her mobile.

  “I’ll text Jasmine,” Polly announced, her thumbs flying over the screen. “If Lulu is with her it’ll be fun.”

  “Really?”

  “Oh yeah.” she grinned; her hazel eyes twinkled. “It’ll be great sport when I tell her I got the exact same handbag as hers from The Salvation Army shop for three pounds fifty.”

  “Brilliant, that’ll make her have palpitations.”

  “I know.” Polly’s smile was evil and that was why I bloody loved her.

  A few seconds later her mobile tweeted like a bird and she flicked at the screen.

  “Yep, they’re in Zar Bar. Will you be okay?”

  I glanced over at Charlie who happened to be looking at me. He waved his arms around, as I’d been doing earlier, making me laugh.

  “Yeah, I’ll text you if I need you,” I replied, unable to take my eyes off the tall, sexy man a few feet away.

  Polly pulled me into a hug. “Take care of you.”

  “Take care of you,” I replied in an American accent. This was our usual goodbye routine, paying homage to Kit and Viv in Pretty Woman, our favourite film since we were twelve years old.

  She gave a quick wave to Charlie and then she was gone, pushing through the children standing around quaffing their brightly coloured drinks.

  Charlie gave me a look of concern, said something to his friend, and then came back over to me, pointing toward the door.

  “I didn’t frighten Polly away, did I?”

  He seemed really concerned as he looked over the masses of heads to the exit and I had to be honest, my heart sighed a little.

  “No, she’s gone to meet another friend.” I looked at him and then over to his friend. “That’s okay isn’t it? I mean I can go with her, if you’d prefer.”

  “God, no.” He caught hold of my elbow as if trying to stop me from leaving. “I’m glad you’ve stayed. My mate,” He nodded toward his friend, “Bomber, he’s getting off now too.”

  I looked over to see Bomber had knocked back his drink and had followed the same path which Polly had only a few minutes before.

  “Are we really bad friends?” I asked, as I winced a little.

  Charlie smiled and gave me both dimples. “I don’t think so. I’m sure we’d both do the same for them.”

  I looked up at his kind, gentle eyes and nodded. “Yeah, I think you’re right, we definitely would.”

  Masturbating up to two hours before sex can help to avoid premature ejaculation - it’s always a shock when it comes from nowhere.

  * * *

  Willow

  “Ssh,” I hissed as Charlie banged into the kitchen table and groaned.

  “I thought you said they wouldn’t mind.” He pulled on my hand, turned me, and placed his other hand on my hip.

  After far too many vodkas and some serious flirting, I’d thought ‘what the hell’ and invited Charlie back to my parents’ house. I hadn’t been so attracted to someone in a long time and I really didn’t want to pass up the opportunity. Charlie was gorgeous and I had no doubt he’d be chatting up a different girl the following weekend, so call me fast and loose, but I was going for the one-night stand. If nothing else, it’d give me a whole lot of material for my Flickapedia page.

  “They really won’t,” I sighed. “But they’re too embarrassing for words and I’d really like to get you down to your jockeys before you realise that you need to run into the night and never stop.”

  Charlie grinned in the half-light that the green neon clock on the cooker gave us and lifted his hand to cup my cheek.

  “They can’t be that bad.”

  He dropped a soft kiss to my downturned lips, so sweet and romantic that I sighed with deep satisfaction – and he hadn’t even touched my little man in a boat yet.

  “They really are,” I replied, once I’d pulled myself out of my dreamy haze. “So please stop making a noise.”

  He laughed quietly and nodded. “Silent as a ghost, I promise.”

  I lead him by the hand and sneaked past the room my mum liked to call ‘the den’ – she watched far too much American TV – where I knew that either Ruben or Toby would be sexing up some girl because they shared a bedroom and, as close as they were…well, ugh that’s just nasty to watch your brother give a girl an orgasm. Declan and I were the lucky ones with rooms of our own, and Declan had only had his to himself for the last year since Danny, his twin, had moved in with his girlfriend, Patsy, and their dog, Nigel. So, yes, we had a pretty full house, but that’s what happened when your parents procreated as if mankind depended on them.

  When we reached the fourth stair up, I pointed to it and over exaggerated my
step over it. Charlie’s brows knitted together, and he shook his head. I opened my eyes wide to tell him silently that in no way had I exaggerated how shameful my parents were. Although they must have been doing something right because four of their five kids still lived at home.

  Finally, we reached the safety of my room and when I clicked the door shut and slid across the bolt, I turned and leaned against it with a sigh of huge relief, before I reached to turn on my bedside lamp.

  “Nice room,” Charlie said and there was a definite smile in his voice.

  “I know, it’s awful, but my mother thinks she’s great at interior design and I happened to mention that I’d watched Harry Potter and enjoyed it, now the little fucker has his eyes on me wherever I look.”

  Charlie sputtered out a laugh and picked up a plaster bust of Harry’s head. “It’s one way to go with a theme, I suppose.”

  My room was HP vomit. The wallpaper, the bedding, the lampshades, the curtains and I even had an alarm clock in the guise of Hedwig.

  “She did it as a surprise when I went on holiday to Ibiza,” I groaned.

  Charlie’s lips pursed and I knew he was desperate to laugh.

  “You were clubbing in Ibiza while your mum was here creating a shrine to Harry Potter?”

  “Pretty much.” I moved over to my dressing table and picked up a mug that I kept make-up brushes in. “However, if you look carefully at this mug that she purchased from our local pound shop, you’ll see it’s actually Harry Proctor that I have a thing for.”